It's been a month and I'm grateful
You know those times you have where it's been crap after shit after fucking hell and you get to the other side of it and you think to yourself, "Wow. Just wow. You've been through it and here you are, still kicking, still being ok and even feeling good! Go you!!"
I'll be real with you - I've been embarrassed.
Photo by Farzad Mohsenvand on Unsplash
I jumped into a relationship head first, with no floatation device, we moved in together after one and a half months of knowing each other and after a whole two and a bit months, I moved out.
The place was small and our personalities needed a much bigger space to roam free in. It all came to a head (due to a few different reasons) and I just had to get out. We both wanted me out, to be fair.
So I've been embarrassed. Embarrassed that I haven't learnt from previous situations where I have jumped into a relationship quickly and been left thinking, "Ruth...what the fuck have you done?!"
Embarrassed because it's happened more than twice, but in my defence, this one was after a year and a half of being on my own and doing a lot of self healing (being alone for more than a month or two and the healing was all new) and it felt so so different. And to be fair, it still does. There's a lot of love there still. Some people just need their own space.
Anyway, so I didn't want to share anything with you because of the embarrassment that I felt. That and the fact that I've been in a bit of a hole emotionally and mentally and didn't feel like I had anything of worth to share.
Of course, I know that that's not really true. You can learn from any situation, no matter how shitty. In fact, the shittier the better. The harder it is, the more growth, the bigger the learnings.
Now I'm crashing at my friends' house, right next to the beach and I've got the place to myself because my friend is hardly here.
I'm scrambling to get work so that I can get my own place so I can get into a routine again and go hard on my business....like really go hard at it.
It's all been such a massive whirlwind where my head spin is only just beginning to slow down to a stop and despite it all, even because of it all, I'm grateful.
I'm grateful that I have my health.
I'm grateful for my mental fortitude to withstand anything that life has to throw at me (so far).
I'm grateful for my beautiful friends that show me just how beautiful they are when the chips are down.
I'm grateful I have the ability to see the silver lining in everything (or at least most things).
I am grateful that I have a roof over my head.
I am grateful that I have unlimited access to food.
I am grateful that I have access to clean drinking water.
I am grateful for my trusty steed to get me wherever I need to go.
I am grateful I have the tools that keep me sane on a daily basis (meditation, frequency music, exercise, healthy food).
I am grateful I have a ridiculously positive outlook on all relationships, no matter how many times I've been burned or burned others or how much trauma I still haven't integrated.
I'm grateful for my trauma.
And I am grateful that I still believe in love.
Do I regret anything? Nope. No point. Can't change it, right?
You may see this next thing I say as cliche or foolish and you'd have every right to but I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. I know, I know.
Seriously though, I am literally the person I am today because of all of the things that I have gone through. All of those things made me, me.....and I absolutely LOVE the person I am today. I am fucking awesome! This is coming from someone that had so much self loathing that they couldn't destroy themselves fast enough with any and all toxic things and behaviours you can possibly think of (NO, not that).
The whirlwind romance I just had, that's just added another layer of growth, a shedding of toxicity that doesn't serve me and a belief that I am stronger and better than I have ever been.
I have been through hell and back many times in my life and I am here now because I want to support you with everything I have learnt. If that's cliche, then I'm a fucking walking cliche. I don't care.
Honestly, I'm just grateful.
Whatever you're going through right now, know that it's temporary and that it's helping you in being a better version of yourself, if you let it.
Also, having gratitude for every little (and big) thing that you have in your life is a superpower. Don't waste it. Use it to its full capacity.