If you've been following me for a while, you may remember some stuff I said about my Mum.
If this is your first time reading, here's some context: I grew up in the Jehovah's Witness cult (boy, have they been getting some press of late!) and my Mum was bashing that bible like her life depended on it, literally.
Being the daughter of the self proclaimed lover of Jehovah and Witness/deliverer of his word, the cult and all its cultiness was ceremoniously shoved down my throat on the daily.
My mum and I, Spain, 2007
Part of that ceremony was the learning that being queer in any way, shape or form was bad and god disapproved of it entirely.
So when I eventually "came out", much to my Mums' horror, our relationship deteriorated quite dramatically. Eventually bringing me to the conclusion that I needed to move out of home and start my life from scratch.
That meant creating myself a new family and friendship circle at the fully mature 16 years of age.
I don't know if this sounds bad to you or not but trust me when I tell you that this time in my life was probably one of the hardest I've had to deal with (to this day).
Sprinkle in a shit tonne of trauma for extra learnings and existential dread later on in life.
Anywho, fast forward to 3 or 4 years ago. Mum decided that it was too much to keep in contact so she suggested we just don't anymore (this is after a super strained relationship for most of my adult life and then me deciding to make a concerted effort and call her every Sunday because, well, she was my Mum and I thought it was the right thing to do).
Even though I never thought my Mum would completely abandon me because I knew how much she loved me, she did, and it wasn't because she stopped loving me but because loving Jehovah and being faithful to him and having a relationship with me at the same time was all too much for her.
A few years go by and Mum obviously had some sort of change of heart and mind and she leaves me a voice message saying that she misses me and she wants to talk.
Now, even though it was a shock that Mum stopped contact with me, it was also a big relief. No more did I have to talk about the same inane shit all of the time just because I couldn't talk about my life and she couldn't talk about hers. The cult didn't permit it.
So when she left me that message around 4 months ago to try again, I wasn't interested. My life had been fine and dandy without her in it, thank you very much. I felt free and boundless. Free to be me completely and to talk about me and my stuff freely with whomever I chose to share that stuff with.
But alas, when you share your life with a partner that helps people let go of their shit so that they can live a big and beautiful life, free from the ties to trauma for an existence of freedom and joy, you have no choice but to face the very things that are blocking you from living that life yourself.
My partner gently encouraged me to set up and share what my boundaries are with my Mum to make it safe for me to try again because she could see the love that Mum has for me and how much she was trying. It was worth one last shot. So I did.
I left her recorded messages letting Mum know that I was afraid that she was going to say something that triggers me. Something deeply hurtful like she used to. I told her that I was comfortable in leaving recorded messages for now and we'll see how we go to maybe upgrade to phone calls at a later date. I told her how the trauma around her rejection of who I am effected me even now as an adult, and finally, I told her how the trauma caused by her not protecting me from my dad's toxic anger and violence toward me affected me in my relationships.
You know what she did? She apologised. She apologised for all of it. She admitted to making a lot of mistakes and she regrets it.
I did not expect that but boy, was it appreciated.
I knew we had some work to do so that she could get back my trust and repair what was deeply broken between us but I was hopeful. I finally had my Mum back. Not just someone who I call Mum because she gave birth to me and looked after me as a child but my Mum, my unconditionally loving Mum. Someone who loves me no matter who I am or who I love. Who will always be there for me, through fucking all of it, damn it. The way it should be.
No sooner had hope been restored, that I got a message from one of my Mums friends in Spain where Mum lives telling me that Mum fainted and got rushed to hospital and it doesn't look good.
.....
To say I was devastated was an understatement.
I had only just reconnected with my mother, who had finally, after 30 years of strained relationship, apologised for all the shit I had to go through because of my sexual orientation as the cult didn't approve, and then this happens.
I thought I had lost her or at the very least she was going to leave this mortal plane very soon.
I grieved for what I thought I had lost. I grieved for her from the very depths of my soul. My reaction surprised me but here I was, sobbing for 24 hours like a little kid alone in the world....again.
Well, lucky for both of us what happened was that she fainted because she was dehydrated, has an infection and one of her kidneys isn't working well but she is recovering.
She's ok. She's not great because she's 86 and you don't bounce back as well after something like this but I feel like the stubborn old bitch is gonna be around for a bit longer yet.
So I bought a ticket to Spain and i'll be heading there this month to see her face to face.
It's been a while. Around 5 years I think. The last time I saw her in person was because my dad was in hospice. Mum's not in hospice but I'm going because I don't know how much longer she has left.
It sounds like a sad story but I'm happy with where we're at.
Even if I don't get to say goodbye to her in person, I'm glad we resolved our stuff.
Family can be a tough gig but it's all part of this crazy ride, right?
Wish me luck and i'll send you love....
...Big love.
Rx