I worry.
I worry about not doing enough to engage my audience and when i do engage, I worry that my content isn't engaging enough.
I chastise myself for not taking enough time to make things "perfect" while being all too aware that there is no such thing.
Those times that I start writing a blog with a topic in mind, only to switch the topic half way through and not change it accordingly and I publish it anyway.
You may be asking yourself why I would do such a thing.
Photo by Ryoji Iwata on Unsplash
It's because it's taken me so much energy to write what I've already written that sometimes I just don't have any energy left to correct it and I also don't have the energy to come back to it at a later date because I also get bored easily.
Especially if I'm working on the same thing for hours on end.
I figure my beautiful readers that get me, the ones that the content is all for, they'll understand, they'll laugh with me, they'll get it and they'll always forgive me.
Creative, crazy genius wiggle room I believe they call it.
I feel guilt for half assing it. If calling it that makes you feel better (who am I talking to? Me, I think).
I'll let you in on a little secret - I've never really been a "go-getter".
Unless it contained a (sports) ball of some description, competition and I could show off my physical prowess, I do not have the energy to give it 100%.
There are things that I am just awesome at (like sport or working out, singing/performing), can do for extended periods of time with ease and grace; and then there are the things that I need to pluck up what feels like monumental amounts of energy and inspiration to work on (everything else).
In saying that, once I get into the "flow" of writing a blog piece or record a podcast, it just flows. It's the getting to that flow space that I find challenging.
Does that make me less than?
I don't think so.
But do you think my ego lets me get away with it? Fuck no!
The following thoughts are experienced by me often -
"You're so laaaaaazy."
"You're never gonna get anywhere with that kind of effort (or lack thereof....lazy)."
"No one wants to hear what you have to say anyway. Why the fuck do you continue and persist with this lack luster content?? Lazy!"
And on it goes.
I'm generally pretty good at acknowledging these thoughts and continue to do my work but there are days where no amount of acknowledging or flipping it to something positive works.
It eats away at me like a cancer.
Some days it beats me and I give up and then other times (like the other day) a random friend of a friend will tell me how one of my podcast episodes came at a really perfect time for him to go easy on himself.
It helped him.
This is how and why I keep going. I know that even though I am not reaching thousands of people and earning a shit tonne of money, it helps a person here and there exactly when they need it and really, this is what it's all about.
The universe lets me know from time to time that what I am doing is valid, that it's helpful but my ego wants more.
My ego wants money, accolades, prestige and acknowledgment (I'm human and have succumb to societal conditioning... What do you want from me?!)
For the most part, I practice humility and gratitude for the things that I have.
I have been hermitting of late too and I feel like I have needed to hermit because of this very thing.
To listen to my ego and know that it's not necessarily me.
Knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now and that pushing hard for what I think I want will just make me so fucking tired all the time, unhappy and resentful.
Here. I'll let you know what my day's generally look like and you tell me if I would be better off being grateful or push for something greater -
- wake up around 7 or 6 or 8am, depending on how much I want to stay in bed
- brush teeth
- drink large glass of lemon water
- meditate for an average of 45mins
- move, stretch, and every other day lift weights
- run or walk to the beach which is located around 600m away from my house. Go for a dip and run or walk back, depending on what my body feels like doing (at the time of publishing this post the weather turned and I have debating whether to still go. I won't keep you hanging - I went.)
- practice vocal exercises
- vocal channel session with my crystal bowl
(the above in the list are non negotiables)
- consume healthy brekky (if I've done weights that morning)
- whatever I'm inspired to do (this can include any aspects of running my business which is a super long list in itself, write, record, figure out technical aspects of recording, sing, play, create, bake, cook etc. etc...)
- generally finish off my day with SBS food channel, Frasier, Friends, Big Bang Theory or some show I 'legally' downloaded (I feel guilty for watching tv - not the downloading - but I will continue to do it and try not to feel guilty about it. I figure it plays a part in me hermitting)
(the following are also non negotiables)
- go to bed around 8.30 / 9pm
- journal (if I haven't done it during the day already)
- read
- sleep
I'm pretty sure I'm living a life that people work their arses off for their entire lives only to realise that they don't have the energy, fitness or strength to fully utilise it.
The only thing that's missing for me is the truckloads of cash.
Do I need truckloads of cash? No. But something kinda, sorta close to it would be handy.
I guess for me right now is just remembering that I have everything I need. I'm not wanting for anything and that the money, prestige and accolades will come once I am really, humbly ready for them, if they are meant for me at all.
I actually feel like the universe has a trick to it.
Once you really, deeply feel like you don't want or need anything, that's when you get all the things.
Confusingly, I also believe that the universe is, and reality acts exactly in the way that you believe it's supposed to act.
If that's the case, I need to change my beliefs.
Why have I told you all this?
I want you to know that you're only human, just like me. Give yourself a break. Be kinder to yourself because we all struggle - whether it's visible or obvious to you or not (I'm also telling myself this).
I also want you to know that you already have all the answers to everything you need and want inside of you. If you don't have them yet, don't worry, they'll come.
You don't need no guru.
Also, it's perfectly natural for you to not want to be constantly working all the time. It's only natural if you're trying to fill a void or ignoring something that needs your attention, mentally and/or emotionally. This is an addiction and it's not healthy.
Society has conditioned every single one of us to feel like we are being productive at all times in order to be considered a decent human but that's bullshit.
When you look at nature (which we are part of) and how all the different animals and plants work with the seasons, you'll notice there are times for productivity and there are times for rest.
It's the rest that allows us to integrate any new knowledge we have recently acquired and develop any new strengths we have worked for.
Without rest, we burn out. And that can look like not being able to sleep properly at night to getting a full blown malignant disease diagnosis.
I also just wanted to get all these thoughts and feelings out. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
There I go changing the theme of my piece again.
Oh well, at least you love me and you'll forgive me and if you don't, thanks for reading anyway.
I appreciate you.
This is Random Ruth, signing out.
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